Farquard

Welcome back "old timer" <LOL>

A DEA Agent stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked to an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "okay, but don't go into that field over there...", as he pointed out the location. The DEA Agent verbally exploded and said, "look mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me!" Reaching into his rear back pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this badge?! This badge means I can go wherever I want... On any land! No questions asked, no answers given! Do you understand old man?!" The rancher kindly nodded, apologized, and went about his chores. Moments later the rancher heard loud screams, he looked up and saw the DEA agent running for his life, being chased by the ranchers big Santa Gertrudis Bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it was likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The old rancher threw down his tools, ran as fast as he could to the fence, and yelled at the top of his lungs...... "YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR BADGE!"

Never saw this one before or knew as many of our film heroes were also our country heroes. They Were Men Incredible list, incredible men... read to the end. I can only send this to people our age, since today's people don't have any idea who these Men were and that's a pity. Sterling Hayden, US Marines and OSS. Smuggled guns into Yugoslavia and parachuted into Croatia. James Stewart, US Army Air Corps. Bomber pilot who rose to the rank of General. Ernest Borgnine, US Navy. Gunners Mate 1c, destroyer USS Lamberton. Ed McMahon, US Marines. Fighter Pilot. (Flew OE-1 Bird Dogs over Korea as well.) Telly Savalas, US Army. Walter Matthau, US Army Air Corps., B-24 Radioman/Gunner and cryptographer. Steve Forrest, US Army. Wounded, Battle of the Bulge. Jonathan Winters, USMC. Battleship USS Wisconsin and Carrier USS Bon Homme Richard. Anti-aircraft gunner, Battle of Okinawa. Paul Newman, US Navy Rear seat gunner/radioman, torpedo bombers of USS Bunker Hill Kirk Douglas, US Navy. Sub-chaser in the Pacific. Wounded in action and medically discharged. Robert Mitchum, US Army. Dale Robertson, US Army. Tank Commander in North Africa under Patton. Wounded twice. Battlefield Commission. Henry Fonda, US Navy. Destroyer USS Satterlee. John Carroll, US Army Air Corps. Pilot in North Africa. Broke his back in a crash. Lee Marvin US Marines. Sniper. Wounded in action on Saipan. Buried in Arlington National Cemetery, Sec. 7A next to Greg Boyington and Joe Louis. Art Carney, US Army. Wounded on Normandy beach, D-Day. Limped for the rest of his life. Wayne Morris, US Navy fighter pilot, USS Essex. Downed seven Japanese fighters. Rod Steiger, US Navy. Was aboard one of the ships that launched the Doolittle Raid. Tony Curtis, US Navy. Sub tender USS Proteus. In Tokyo Bay for the surrender of Japan. Larry Storch. US Navy. Sub tender USS Proteus with Tony Curtis. Forrest Tucker, US Army. Enlisted as a private, rose to Lieutenant. Robert Montgomery, US Navy. George Kennedy, US Army. Enlisted after Pearl Harbor, stayed in sixteen years. Mickey Rooney, US Army under Patton. Bronze Star. Denver Pyle, US Navy. Wounded in the Battle of Guadalcanal. Medically discharged. Burgess Meredith, US Army Air Corps. DeForest Kelley, US Army Air Corps. Robert Stack, US Navy. Gunnery Officer. Neville Brand, US Army, Europe. Was awarded the Silver Star and Purple Heart. Tyrone Power, US Marines. Transport pilot in the Pacific Theater. Charlton Heston, US Army Air Corps. Radio operator and aerial gunner on a B-25, Aleutians. Danny Aiello, US Army. Lied about his age to enlist at 16. Served three years. James Arness, US Army. As an infantryman, he was severely wounded at Anzio, Italy. Efram Zimbalist, Jr., US Army. Purple Heart for a severe wound received at Huertgen Forest. Mickey Spillane, US Army Air Corps, Fighter Pilot and later Instructor Pilot. Rod Serling. US Army. 11th Airborne Division in the Pacific. He jumped at Tagaytay in the Philippines and was later wounded in Manila. Gene Autry, US Army Air Corps. Crewman on transports that ferried supplies over "The Hump" in the China-Burma-India Theater. Wiliam Holden, US Army Air Corps. Alan Hale Jr, US Coast Guard. Harry Dean Stanton, US Navy. Battle of Okinawa. Russell Johnson, US Army Air Corps. B-24 crewman who was awarded Purple Heart when his aircraft was shot down by the Japanese in the Philippines. William Conrad, US Army Air Corps. Fighter Pilot. Jack Klugman, US Army. Frank Sutton, US Army. Took part in 14 assault landings, including Leyte, Luzon, Bataan and Corregidor. Jackie Coogan, US Army Air Corps. Volunteered for gliders and flew troops and materials into Burma behind enemy lines. Tom Bosley, US Navy. Claude Akins, US Army. Signal Corps., Burma and the Philippines. Chuck Connors, US Army. Tank-warfare instructor. Harry Carey Jr., US Navy. Mel Brooks, US Army. Combat Engineer. Saw action in the Battle of the Bulge. Robert Altman, US Army Air Corps. B-24 Co-Pilot. Pat Hingle, US Navy. Destroyer USS Marshall Fred Gwynne, US Navy. Radioman. Karl Malden, US Army Air Corps. 8th Air Force, NCO. Earl Holliman. US Navy. Lied about his age to enlist. Discharged after a year when they Navy found out. Rock Hudson, US Navy. Aircraft mechanic, the Philippines. Harvey Korman, US Navy. Aldo Ray. US Navy. UDT frogman, Okinawa. Don Knotts, US Army, Pacific Theater. Don Rickles, US Navy aboard USS Cyrene. Harry Dean Stanton, US Navy. Served aboard an LST in the Battle of Okinawa. Robert Stack, US Navy. Gunnery Instructor. Soupy Sales, US Navy. Served on USS Randall in the South Pacific. Lee Van Cleef, US Navy. Served aboard a sub chaser then a mine sweeper. Clifton James, US Army, South Pacific. Was awarded the Silver Star, Bronze Star, and Purple Heart. Ted Knight, US Army, Combat Engineers. Jack Warden, US Navy, 1938-1942, then US Army, 1942-1945. 101st Airborne Division. Don Adams. US Marines. Wounded on Guadalcanal, then served as a Drill Instructor. James Gregory, US Navy and US Marines. Brian Keith, US Marines. Radioman/Gunner in Dauntless dive-bombers. Fess Parker, US Navy and US Marines. Booted from pilot training for being too tall, joined Marines as a radio operator. Charles Durning. US Army. Landed at Normandy on D-Day. Shot multiple times. Awarded the Silver Star and Bronze Star and three Purple Hearts. Survived Malmedy Massacre. Raymond Burr, US Navy. Shot in the stomach on Okinawa and medically discharged. Hugh O'Brian, US Marines. Robert Ryan, US Marines. Eddie Albert, US Coast Guard. Bronze Star with Combat V for saving several Marines under heavy fire as pilot of a landing craft during the invasion of Tarawa. Cark Gable, US Army Air Corps. B-17 gunner over Europe. Charles Bronson, US Army Air Corps. B-29 gunner, wounded in action. Peter Graves, US Army Air Corps. Buddy Hackett, US Army anti-aircraft gunner. Victor Mature, US Coast Guard. Jack Palance, US Army Air Corps. Severely injured bailing out of a burning B-24 bomber. Robert Preston, US Army Air Corps. Intelligence Officer Cesar Romero, US Coast Guard. Coast Guard. Participated in the invasions of Tinian and Saipan on the assault transport USS Cavalier. Norman Fell, US Army Air Corps., Tail Gunner, Pacific Theater. Jason Robards, US Navy. was aboard heavy cruiser USS Northampton when it was sunk off Guadalcanal. Also served on the USS Nashville during the invasion of the Philippines, surviving a kamikaze hit that caused 223 casualties. Steve Reeves, US Army, Philippines. Dennis Weaver, US Navy. Pilot. Robert Taylor, US Navy. Instructor Pilot. Randolph Scott. Tried to enlist in the Marines but was rejected due to injuries sustained in US Army, World War 1. Ronald Reagan. US Army. Was a 2nd Lt. in the Cavalry Reserves before the war. His poor eyesight kept him from being sent overseas with his unit when war came so he transferred to the Army Air Corps Public Relations Unit where he served for the duration. John Wayne. Declared "4F medically unfit" due to pre-existing injuries, he nonetheless attempted to volunteer three times (Army, Navy and Film Corps.) so he gets honorable mention. And of course we have Audie Murphy, America's most-decorated soldier, who became a Hollywood star as a result of his US Army service that included his being awarded the Medal of Honor. Would someone please remind me again how many of today's Hollywood elite put their careers on hold to enlist in Iraq or Afghanistan? The only one who even comes close was Pat Tillman, who turned down a contract offer of $3.6 million over three years from the Arizona Cardinals to enlist in the US Army after September, 11, 2001 and serve as a Ranger in Afghanistan, where he died in 2004. But rather than being lauded for his choice and his decision to put his country before his career, he was mocked and derided by many of his peers and the Left. Ladies and Gentlemen, I submit to you that this is not the America today that it was seventy years ago. And I, for one, am saddened.

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on. At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If Ford had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon." In response to Bill's comments, Ford issued a press release stating: If Ford had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics: For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash.........twice a day. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light. The airbag system would ask, "Are you sure?" before deploying. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off. PS - I'd like to add that when all else fails, you could call "customer service" in some foreign country and be instructed in some foreign language how to fix your car yourself!

Mammogram Preparation Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, but there is no need to worry. By taking a few minutes each day for the week preceding the exam and doing the following practice exercises, you will be totally prepared. And best of all, you can do these simple practice exercises right in the privacy of your own home. Exercise #1: Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist. Invite a stranger into the room. Press the bookends against one of your breasts. Smash the bookends together as hard as you can. Repeat with the other breast. Set an appointment with the stranger to meet next year and do it again. Exercise #2 Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast between the door and the main box. Have one of your strongest friends slam the door shut as hard as possible and lean on the door for good measure. Hold that position for five seconds. Do this again in case the last time wasn't effective enough. Then repeat with the other breast. Exercise #3 Visit your garage at 3 a.m. when the temperature of the concrete floor is just perfect. Take off all your warm clothes and lay comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged under the rear tire of the car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until the breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled. Turn over and repeat for the other breast. CONGRATULATIONS! Now you are properly prepared for your mammogram.

25 Ways to know if you are a TRUE Floridian... 1. Socks are only for bowling. 2. You never use an umbrella because the rain will be over in five minutes. 3. A good parking place has nothing to do with distance from the store, but everything to do with shade. 4. Your winter coat is made of denim. 5. You can tell the difference between fire ant bites and mosquito bites. 6. You're younger than thirty but some of your friends are over 65. 7. Anything under 70 degrees is chilly. 8. You've driven through Yeehaw Junction. 9. You know that no other grocery store can compare to Publix. 10. You know that anything under a Category 3 just isn't worth waking up for. 11. You dread love bug season. 12. You are on a first name basis with the hurricane list. They aren't Hurricane Charley or Hurricane Frances. You know them as Andrew, Charley, Frances, Ivan, Jeanne, Wilma, Irene, Cheryl, Rita, Mary, Alison 13. You know what a snowbird is and when they'll leave. 14. You think a six-foot alligator is actually pretty average. 15. 'Down South' means Key West. 16. Flip-flops are everyday wear. Shoes are for business meetings and church, but you HAVE worn flip flops to church before. 17. You have a drawer full of bathing suits, and one sweatshirt. 18. You get annoyed at the tourists who feed seagulls. 19. A mountain is any hill 100 feet above sea level. 20. You know the four seasons really are: hurricane season, love bug season, tourist season and summer. 21. You've hosted a hurricane party. 22. You can pronounce Okeechobee, Kissimmee , Withlacoochee , Thonotosassa and Micanopy. 23. You understand why it's better to have a friend with a boat, than have a boat yourself. 24. You've worn shorts and used the A/C on Christmas and New Years. 25. You recognize Miami-Dade as 'Northern Cuba.'

HOW TO SIMULATE BEING A SAILOR 1. Buy a steel dumpster, paint it gray inside and out, and live in it for six months. 2. Run all the pipes and wires in your house exposed on the walls. 3. Repaint your entire house every month using gray paint. 4. Renovate your bathroom. Lower all shower heads to four and one-half feet off the deck. 5. When you take showers, make sure you turn off the water while you soap down. 6. On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, turn water heater temperature up to 300 degrees. On Tuesdays and Thursdays, turn water heater off. 7. On Saturdays and Sundays tell your family they used too much water during the week, so no bathing will be allowed. 8. Put 5W-20 lube oil in your humidifier, instead of water, and set it on high. 9. Leave your lawn mower running in your living room 24 hours a day to maintain proper ambient noise level. 10. Once a month, disassemble all your major appliances and electric garden tools, inspect them and then reassemble them. Do this every week with your lawn mower, weed whacker and other gasoline powered tools. 11. Once a week blow compressed air up through your chimney, making sure the wind carries the soot across and onto your neighbor's house. Laugh at him when he curses you. 12. Raise the thresholds and lower the headers of your front and back doors, so that you either trip or bang your head every time you pass through them. 13. Raise your bed to within 6 inches of the ceiling, so you can't turn over without getting out and then getting back in. 14. Have a fluorescent lamp installed on the bottom of your coffee table and lie under it to read books. 15. Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with a curtain. Have your spouse whip open the curtain about 4 hours after you go to sleep, shine a flashlight in your eyes, and say "Sorry, wrong rack." 16. Make each member your family qualify to operate each appliance in your house i.e., dishwasher operator, blender technician, etc. 17. Find the dumbest guy in the neighborhood and make him your boss for the next two years. 18. Have your neighbor come over each day at 5 am, blow a whistle so loud Helen Keller could hear it, and shout "Reveille, reveille, all hands heave out and trice up." 19. Have your mother-in-law write down everything she's going to do the following day, then have her make you stand in your back yard at 0600 (6 A.M.) while she reads it to you. 20. Empty all the garbage bins in your house and sweep the driveway three times a day, whether it needs it or not. 21. Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a month, read your magazines, and randomly lose every 5th item before delivering it to you. 22. Watch no TV except for movies played in the middle of the night. Have your family vote on which movie to watch, and then show a different one. 23. When your children are in bed, run into their room with a megaphone shouting that your home is under attack and ordering them to their battle stations. 24. Post a menu on the kitchen door informing your family that they are having steak for dinner. Then make them wait in line for an hour. When they finally get to the kitchen, tell them you are out of steak, but they can have dried ham or hot dogs. Repeat daily until they ignore the menu and just ask for hot dogs. 25. Bake a cake. Prop up one side of the pan so the cake bakes unevenly. Spread icing real thick to level it off. 26. Get up every night around midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on stale bread. 27. Set your alarm clock to go off at random times during the night. At the alarm, jump up and dress as fast as you can, making sure to button your top shirt button and tuck your pants into your socks. Run out into the back yard and uncoil the garden hose. 28. Every week or so, throw your cat or dog into the pool and shout, "Man overboard port side!" Rate your family members on how fast they respond. 29. Put the headphones from your stereo on your head, but don't plug them in. Hang a paper cup around your neck on a string. Stand in front of the stove, and speak into the paper cup "Stove manned and ready." After an hour or so, speak into the cup again "Stove secured." Roll up the headphones and paper cup and stow them in a shoebox. 30. Place a podium at the end of your driveway. Have your family stand watches at the podium, rotating at 4-hour intervals. This is best done when the weather is worst. January is a good time. 31. When there is a thunderstorm in your area, get a wobbly rocking chair, sit in it and rock as hard as you can until you become nauseous. Make sure to have a supply of stale crackers in your shirt pocket. 32. Buy a trash compactor but only use it once a week. Store up garbage in your bathtub. 33. Invite at least 375 people, most of whom you don't really like, to come and live with you for about 6 months. 34. Lock-wire the lug nuts on your car wheels. 35. Start your car and let it run for 4 hours before going anywhere, to ensure the engine is properly "lit off". 36. Walk around your car for 4 hours checking the tire pressure every 15 minutes. 37. Make coffee using eighteen scoops of budget priced coffee grounds per pot, and allow the pot to simmer for 5 hours before drinking. 38. Have the paperboy give you a haircut with sheep shears. 39. Submit a request form to your father-in-law, asking if it's OK for you to leave your house before 1500 (3 PM). 40. Take a two-week vacation visiting the Far East, and call it "world travel". 41. Lock yourself and your family in the house for six weeks. Tell them that at the end of the 6th week you are going to take them to Disney World for "liberty." At the end of the 6th week, inform them the trip to Disney World has been canceled because they need to get ready for an inspection, and it will be another week before they can leave the house. 42. Needle gun the aluminum siding on your house after your neighbors have gone to bed. Now, who's ready to go to sea?

I am sure you have asked yourself. We do not have a Chimney, how does Santa come to visit us.... Here is your answer.... ENERGIZE!

Chipped Beef Dip (Civilian Version of SOS Dip) Ingredients: 2 (8 ounce) packages cream cheese, softened 2 (2 1/2 ounce) jars chipped beef, chopped 16 ounces sour cream 1 bunch green onion, chopped 1 large bell pepper, chopped 1 (1 ounce) envelope ranch dressing mix Directions: 1 Blend all ingredients together. 2 Place in your favorite serving bowl or a 9x9 casserole dish.

I know they can look in a wallet for such a card.

If you have Sirius XM radio in your car, and it is INACTIVE, try it now! Sirius is providing FREE 24/day service NOW through December 3rd.

Heck, if they let a crusty old tlhIngan in, you can be sure you will be WELCOME. Come on and join in the fun!

"Short" I am not, in "either" respect!

NO.. Not FARGUARD it is FARQUARD As in Dward Q. Farquard III

One never knows where one will wind up! Oh well.... Let's see.... I am new to this board, but have been around the boards for many years. I have run many a board over time. I have been (and am serving currently as) an Administrator, Super/Global Moderator and/or Moderator on a few boards. After serving as a Dean and an Administrator for my University's computer network; I have been named Dean Emeritus. Some of you, I am sure know me, as I have always used this same name. Others, I look forward to meet you. I feel a stranger is a friend I have not yet met. I wish EVERYONE a great day! PS.. all that accomplished, and I still cannot spell half the time