Olympic Opening Ceremony to be revamped

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NEWS RELEASE

Olympic Opening Ceremony to be revamped

14th January 2012

 

On Monday (8th January) the Prime Minister held the first Cabinet meeting of the New Year at the Olympic Park to mark the countdown of 200 days to the Opening Ceremony of the Games.

 

The meeting was held in the main swimming pool of the Aquatic Park. Members of the British Olympic Diving Team had kindly agreed to act as lifeguards for the day.

 

There was a short delay whilst Cabinet members got changed into their swimwear. They wore bright blue briefs embroidered with the purple Olympic motif (the logo designed by the advertising agency, Wollf Olins, at a price tag of £400,000) across the front and rear and, in the case of Theresa May the Home Secretary, a smaller discrete motif on each of the cups of her bikini top. Eric Pickles the Local Government and Communities Secretary was heard to remark that: “Theresa looks ravishing!” She did not return the compliment.

 

The Cabinet Members slipped into their rubber rings (which acted as a substitute for the standard life vest) and rather tentatively climbed into the swimming pool.

 

Michael Gove, the Education Secretary, was the last to enter the pool; pleading with the Prime Minister that he had always been afraid of the water since he was a child. Mr Cameron impatiently gestured to one of the Olympic Diving Team standing close by who then crept up behind Mr Gove and pushed him in.

 

After surfacing Mr Gove scowled at the Prime Minister, before taking his place with the others around the inflatable Cabinet table which had been specially made for the occasion.

 

By means of harness straps each of the Cabinet members clipped themselves on to the metal rings built into the table. Despite being tied-in the Cabinet members tended to float around in their own limited volume of water; prompting one reporter to remark that it was like watching astronauts on a space walk.

 

In place of the usual meeting papers, laptops were suspended on wires so that Cabinet members could follow the agenda. On the back wall a huge television screen played a continual loop of the Olympic advert, with the sound muted.

 

In a break with tradition, and in recognition of the special occasion, invited guests and selected members of the media were allowed to attend the meeting, but were not permitted to swim in the pool for security and hygiene reasons.

 

Instead members of the media stood at the deep end and the various dignitaries congregated at the shallow end. These included Lord Coe, chairman of the private limited company, LOCOG, the (London Organising Committee of the Olympic – and Paralympic – Games) and his Chief Executive Officer Paul Deighton. Also amongst the guests was General Sir David Richards, Chief of the Defence Staff.

 

Mr Cameron opened the meeting by saying that it had been decided to take a fresh look at plans for the Opening Ceremony in order to boost its revenue generating potential: “given that the British people are having to tighten their belts in the face of austerity in the coming years it is only right and proper that the Olympics pay its way like everybody else.” Adding his now familiar refrain: “We are all in this together.”

 

Mr Cameron said that he had discussed the new ideas with Danny Boyle; the film director tasked with designing the Opening Ceremony. Mr Boyle has directed such movies as ‘Slumdog Millionaire’ and the TV films: ‘Strumpet’ and ‘Vacuuming completely nude in Paradise’; the latter rumoured to have been adapted as an artistic feature for the Opening Ceremony.

Mr Cameron then handed over to the Olympics minister, Mr Hugh Robertson, who began by defending the decision to increase the Opening Ceremony budget from £41 million to £80 million; the whole of the increase to come out of public funds.

 

He said that it would generate an additional £5 billion in advertising revenue. When questioned about how this revenue estimate had been arrived at, he admitted that he had done the calculations on the back of a cigarette packet whilst travelling in a taxi from Victoria Railway Station to Westminster.

 

With regard to the £271 million increase in the security budget to over £1000 million, (£1 billion) he confirmed that: “the increase is not in response to any new or specific security threat.” By way of excusing the fluctuating budget Mr Robertson said sardonically: “when I started being Olympics minister there was no Arab Spring. No one really knows whether that's going to have a beneficial or adverse effect on our security.” Adding “you may as well pluck a figure out of thin air and so that’s what I have done.”

 

Mr Robertson confirmed that the current cost, out of public funds, of staging the Olympic Games was estimated to be £9.3 billion (up from its original budget of £2.37 billion).

 

He explained that the commercial arm of the Olympics, in the form of the private limited company LOCOG, is planning to recoup its £2 billion costs from sponsorship - from companies such as British Airways, McDonalds and Coca-cola - and from TV and merchandising deals. Mr Robertson glanced over to Lord Coe for confirmation of this. Lord Coe returned a rather nervous smile and remained silent.

 

However Mr Deighton, CEO of LOCOG, was more forthcoming and exuberantly intervened in defence of the benefits of private sponsorship: “Sponsors use it (the Olympic Games) as a huge motivational tool for their workforces. People literally skip to work when they find out their employer has signed up to sponsor the games. The excitement would stagger you and it really translates itself into productivity improvements and people staying longer in the companies.” (Yes, apparently he really did say this!)

 

Mr Robertson confirmed that of the £9.3 billion, £6 billion had been provided by the general taxpayer, £1 billion from the Council Taxpayers of London and £2 billion from the National Lottery. He thanked everyone for their contribution in such difficult times; singling out for praise what he described as: “the millions of ordinary working people who loyally queue at lottery outlets throughout the land on a Wednesday and Saturday to generously hand over their hard earned cash to ensure the Olympics are a success.”

 

Mr Robertson then handed proceedings back to the Prime Minister. Mr Cameron began by thanking Danny Boyle for his work to date but said that: “we need to think out of the box in these challenging times to ensure that the country gains a lasting legacy from the Games.”

 

Mr Cameron went on to say that: “rather than being shy about the involvement of our armed forces in the Olympic Games we should use it to demonstrate that Britain is still a force to be reckoned with in the world and to show our enemies –such as North Korea, Iran, France and Germany - that Britain will not be pushed around. We should use the Olympics to showcase the best of our armed services!”

 

The Prime Minister went on to cite the provision of banking and financial services as the second area in which Britain excels and which is intended to feature prominently in the revised Opening Ceremony.

 

At this point Mr Cameron took the opportunity to introduce Mr Paul Deighton, CEO of LOCOG, and acknowledged Lord Coe’s ability to see ‘the bigger picture’ in his inspirational choice in appointing Mr Deighton in the face of considerable criticism.

 

One of the critics to whom the Prime Minister was presumably referring was the recruitment agency which was given the task of head-hunting for the position. When Mr Deighton, a senior partner in Goldman Sachs, put himself forward for the job, the head-hunter, charged with short-listing the candidates, allegedly told Mr Deighton that: ‘the last thing we need is some testosterone-crazed investment banker.’ Lord Coe immediately appointed Mr Deighton.

 

Mr Cameron said that he had already met with Mr Deighton, who had come up with a number of new and innovative derivative and hedge fund products - in conjunction with his former employers Goldman Sachs and Bank of America - for launch at the Games.

 

It was understood that our own Royal Bank of Scotland is also keen to become involved. Mr Cameron exclaimed: “the Olympic Games will be the backdrop for the biggest investment banking conference ever held!”

 

Mr Deighton said that he wanted to keep the details of the specific choreographed events for the Opening Ceremony under wraps, but did disclose that one artistic slot would involve a contingent of girl guides, drawn from groups in the Home Counties, covered in nothing but £50 notes and dancing to the tune: Money! Money! Money!

 

The Prime Minister went on to explain the benefits of the revised arrangements for the new Opening Ceremony: “by showcasing our two most important export generating industries, armaments and banking, we expect to gross an additional £300 billion in export earnings over the next 10 years which will easily justify the £10 billion - or perhaps £20 billion - cost of staging the Olympic Games.”

 

Asked by a reporter for a breakdown of the revenue projections, Mr Cameron said that these were in the process of being prepared by the independent Office of Budget Responsibility and would be available in due course. It is understood that the procurement teams and high value investors from the 205 countries attending the Games will each be allocated one of the 4,000 brand-new BMW 3 and 5 series vehicles being shipped in from Germany for use by the attending dignitaries.

 

Finally it was left to Philip Hammond, the Defence Secretary, to outline the role of the armed forces in the opening ceremony. He was similarly coy about the detail, but robustly defended the recent criticism from the United States which had expressed concern that security for the Games was inadequate: “We will deploy our two largest navy ships, the HMS Ocean and HMS Bulwark, on the Thames; fully armed and battle ready. In addition Lynx and Puma helicopters will constantly patrol the venues from the air; armed with air-to-air missiles and high velocity machine guns and carrying army snipers (fresh from their campaign in Iraq) equipped with Barrett ‘Light Fifty’ rifles, which are able to ‘take out a target’ at more than a mile.

 

“There will be 13,500 British soldiers on the ground. There will be 10,000 private security guards from G4S, 12,000 police officers, 1000 US FBI agents, 300 MI5 agents and several hundred troops from the SAS regiment, plus many 1000’s of intelligence agents and security personnel from each of the 205 participating countries, plus the private security guards contracted directly by McDonalds, Coca-cola and others to ‘look after their corporate interests.’ In all there will be around 40,000 security personnel for the 10,500 athletes competing in the Games; all of which, I believe, demonstrates that we are taking the security of the Games very seriously indeed!”

 

Mr Hammond went on to explain that, in order to get the disparate security factions working as a team, selected groups will compete in an ‘It’s a knockout competition’ as part of the Opening Ceremony. Stuart Hall has agreed to come out of retirement to host the event. Guns and other weapons will be surrendered for the duration of the competition.

 

Mr Hammond explained that the role of the armed forces will not only be to provide security at the Games, but will also play a key role in the Opening Ceremony itself. He said that he was reluctant to give the game away and spoil the surprise, but added: “you can be sure that the guns of HMS Ocean and HMS Bulwark will be in action, together with a display by Apache Attack Helicopters. A formation display of Cruise Missiles (with the nuclear warheads disarmed) was also being considered.

 

He confirmed that fireworks would definitely not be part of the ceremony saying that: “fireworks are old hat and we do not intend to repeat the same tired formula used by the Chinese in Beijing.” He said for the night display the use of phosphorous munitions was being considered, but admitted that safety issues were proving problematic.

 

Then, relenting from his previous tight-lipped approach, Mr Hammond, provided details of one part of the Opening Ceremony in which the armed forces will participate.

 

This will involve 200 army snipers who will form a circle inside the main stadium, rifles pointed skywards, to provide a demonstration of precision marksmanship; shooting as many pigeons as possible in the 3 minute timeslot allocated.

 

The gunshots will be synchronised and amplified over the stadium’s loud speakers in a coordinated symphony to the music of Swan lake by Tchaikovsky, culminating in a 30 second burst from the weapon of choice for the British Army, the L1A1 12.7 mm Heavy Machine Gun firing up to 650 rounds a minute, mounted on a fleet of army Land Rovers circling the arena.

 

Mr Hammond explained that: “not only will this provide a spectacular display for the assembled audience but it is estimated that it will ‘down’ around 5,000 pigeons which will considerably reduce the prevalence of this pest in the stadium.”

 

Boris Johnson’s Mayoral Office has arranged for local primary school children to be on hand in the stadium to collect the dead pigeons; after which they will be placed in cardboard boxes, with a selection of fresh organic vegetables and a recipe for Pigeon Pie – courtesy of the celebrity Chef, Antony Worrall-Thompson – to be distributed to the poor of the London Boroughs in the surrounding area.

 

When asked by a reporter whether the choice of celebrity chef would be reviewed following last week’s arrest of Mr Worrall Thompson for repetitively shoplifting from Tesco’s, Mr Cameron quickly stepped in and responded curtly: “Mr Worrall-Thompson has apologised and accepted a caution and said that he will seek the treatment necessary to rid him of his dishonesty.” Adding: “I believe in giving a person a second chance!”

 

Questioned about the safety of using live rounds in a stadium packed with 80,000 people, the Defence Secretary explained that the snipers were under strict instructions not to allow their guns to deviate more than 20 degrees from vertical; a requirement made possible by the sophisticated gun sights utilising GPS positioning. Mr Hammond stressed that it would be essential that all mobile phones are switched off during the shooting display to avoid interference with the GPS gun sight technology.

 

The Prime Minister closed the proceedings by thanking everyone for their attendance and for their efforts to ensure that the Olympic Games will be a success. The Cabinet members were then helped out of the pool by members of the Olympic diving team and wrapped in aluminium foil to guard against the risk of hypothermia.